Screw Tall, Dark, and Handsome… Why Looks Don’t Matter When It Comes to True Love

Before anyone gets fussy about the title, I’m not putting any look. down. “Tall, Dark and Handsome” is a generic type… ALSO, I will be doing some major generalizing about “hot” men. Not all hot men are as I explain them to be, just like all blondes are not dumb.

What’s your type?

Does the looks-based “tall, dark and handsome” do it for you?

If you create a perfect look in your head, then you just go after that look, you are blinding yourself to masses of men who truly could be your ideal match. ESPECIALLY when that look that you love is “hot!” Why? Now, again, a total generalization, but your typical hot guy knows it. Chicks are easy to come by. He can get laid (excuse my frankness) like the drop of a hat. He doesn’t have to work for it. Same goes for hot chicks- mind you. Because it’s easy for him, he doesn’t feel the need, nor does he try, to work for it. And since he has never had to, he doesn’t have the experience to know how to. That’s not to say that guys need to “work for it” in order to get it. What that means is that hot guys might not be as considerate, giving, or conscious of the chick they are with.

You’re not dating a face, you’re dating a guy.

As easy as it is for me to say, you’ve got to look past looks. Looks fade. And really, so many things are so much sexier than looks. And I’m not even talking about a hot body! What about conversation, lifestyle, intellect, how caring he is, giving, how he makes you feel, how great of a lover he is, what his core values are, how he treats you, and the real kicker when it comes to a relationship: chemistry! Chemistry is a funny thing. You can’t even really explain where it comes from or why you have it with certain few people. With some it can be so strong that it’s almost like a chemical attraction, like you’re two magnets that are so totally and uncontrollably drawn to each other. Sucks when he is a total asshole and you have that undeniable chemistry to him- now THAT is when love is like heroine! It’s an unhealthy addiction, a need that is so strong and so stupid, yet you can’t stop it. Ugh! So, that’s not what you want.

Ask yourself these questions:

-Can you sit alone in a dark room and talk with him for hours?

-Do you love who he is at his core?

-Could you spend 2 weeks stranded with him on an island? Cut out the sex stuff that is in your head… the reality is that after 2 weeks on an island without showers… not so sexy. Do you like to be with him as a person?

-Does he make you feel good about yourself?

-Does he inspire you to be a better person?

-Do you look up to him and respect him?

-Or are you just in awe of his Adonis body and cut-to-perfect face?

How deep is your love… really?

Because just skin deep is pretty shallow, gotta say.

NOW, that’s not to say that you can’t find real, deep, guttural, I-want-to-be-with-you-always love with a physically hot guy. If you find a hot guy that is also a fantastic human being- Great! Just don’t limit yourself to looks or you could be settling for someone who really isn’t right for you just because you want something pretty to look at. That, chickadees, is called arm candy. And you know what happens with JUST arm candy? You get bored, you crave something that’s a little more meaningful and deep, and then you cheat (again- total generalization!).

I have always been an “Equal Opportunity Dater”

I have notoriously been an equal opportunity dater. In fact, my friends have long made fun of my choices in men- not because they aren’t fantastic guys, but because they aren’t always necessarily fantastic looking guys. What’s funny is that I don’t see it. In fact, there was one occasion when a guy friend told me that I deserved more and should really date someone on my same looks level. (my friend is gay, so I know he wasn’t interested in getting in my pants). You know what’s interesting? I had no idea that my guy was bad looking. It didn’t even dawn on me. In fact, I thought he was hot! To me, he was super sexy. The fact that my friends didn’t see him through the same eyes that I did came as a total shock to me.

So what’s attractive to me?

When it comes to my guy, looks have never been important. That’s not to say that attraction is irrelevant, I just find other things to be more attractive than a pretty face. In fact, a face that’s too pretty tends to be, oddly, a total turn off to me! So what’s attractive to me?

-A “Secret Smile”- that side of the guy that is only reserved for you (or at least a select few). Sure he may be outwardly slight geeky, seemingly closed off, a real jerk, or a shy guy, but the other side of him, the real side of him… total opposite! Almost unrecognizable. Only you get to know the real him. You have this amazing secret. The amount of times that I have said to friends “I know that’s what he seems to be like, but you have never seem the other side of him, and that’s the side that I most adore.” I don’t want a guy who is the same out the outside as he is on the inside, the same in public as he is in private. Maybe it adds to the dynamism of him, constantly keeping me on my toes with his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, almost like I’m dating two people.

-His Mind! I love super smart, powerful, complicated, almost tortured men. They fascinate me! I could listen to them all day and night (and sometimes with that type of personality… I do). So there is always a downside of up and an upside of down and often times men with that type of intellect also can be a tad obsessive about certain things. But, I accept the bad with the good.

-A Feeling of Home. Home to me isn’t a location. It’s a feeling. As much as I think “Home is Where the Heart is” is kind of a lame saying… it’s true. The feeling of home is comfort, safety, ability to walk around naked (physically and figuratively) and not feel insecure, total and complete trust, a foundation, a knowing that he is coming back to you and you are coming back to him like a boomerang. Home is watching my dog run around in the backyard with a gigantic smile on her face. It’s being able to completely exhale. It’s knowing that everything is going to be okay. Now THAT is sexy to me.

Each of us are attracted to different things. Some might find my three knicker droppers as silly or even stupid. That’s fine. What is attractive to you? Think about it. What intrigues you? How do you want to feel? There is a poem that has always hit home to me when it comes to this topic. It’s called “The Invitation.” If you’d like to read it, it’s below. If not, that’s fine too…




Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to
dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own
sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have
become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy
fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful, be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to
yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and
not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty,
every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, mine or yours,
and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the
full moon.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the emptiest of moments.


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