Not that ABC’s “The Bachelorette” is what you should fashion your dating life after, especially considering the fact that few made-for-tv relationships end up being lasting, but I do find it interesting that season after season, these chicks are able to emotionally invest themselves in multiple people, X’ing off one or two a week, until finally, in the last episode, it’s down to the one. The fact that they end up getting engaged… that’s a little too made-for-tv for even me. But you do see the bachelorette struggle throughout the season with the fact that she has heart and head feelings for multiple guys. So the question is: how does she do it?
First, let me say that just because you’re dating a couple of different guys, doesn’t mean that you are superficial, flighty, slutty, soul-less, or direction-less.
In this age of internet dating, where the expectation is that you very well could have more than one date set up, hunkering down and being exclusive (ie: boyfriend/girlfriend, committed, monogamous) with each guy you meet could end up being a big fat waste of time. The first date, if not the first 3 dates are really preliminary dates. You are getting to know each other. You aren’t sleeping together yet. You are just feeling each other out (which doesn’t necessarily mean feeling each other up either!). Once you feel a true connection, that’s when you know it’s time to stop dating the others, and even if there aren’t any others, that’s when you pull yourself off the market and stop looking for something different/better and start focusing your attention on the one guy (which is not something The Bachelorette has the opportunity to do). Because really, you can’t give any relationship an honest shot if you are allowing your heart to mingle with others too. Once emotions start to emerge, it’s time to think about making a decision, a choice, choosing a direction. And DEFINITELY if you sleep with him, it’s time to be monogamous. Sleeping with multiple guys is just icky to me. If you don’t feel it or you feel that it’s wrong within a few dates, don’t drag it out. If you accidentally meet someone who seems to be a better fit for you but you’re already sleeping with the other guy- make a choice. If the new guy seems to have more promise- move on.
Here are 7 Tips to Date Multiple Men at Once:
1. Be totally in the moment with each guy.
I know, you just had a super fab date with the last one, but you can’t let it diminish your enthusiasm for this one. Give him a fair shot too. What does that mean? Don’t psyche yourself out, don’t think about the other guy on the date with this guy.
2. Remember that Guys Have Feelings Too
It might sound trite, sarcastic, or bitchy to say. But I’m serious. Guys often put up an “I’m tough” front. They may seem emotionally impenetrable. They shrug and act like “it doesn’t matter.” But it does. Ok, maybe not every chick, not every lay (to be brash), not everything you say matters to every single guy. And, sure, some guys are truly just in it for the chase, catch and release, honestly not incorporating even a drop of emotion into the whole game- because that’s what it is for them- a game. BUT surprisingly that is the exception and not the rule. Most guys do give a shit. Especially if you have gone out a couple of times with him and a real connection is formed and they start to fall. Some guys, if they’re really ready to be in a relationship, even fall on the first date.
Online, set-ups, out and about, don’t forget that your perfect guy could be right next to you at the salad bar at Whole Foods Market. Go to the market looking decent, not like you just rolled out of bed. I’ll tell you, my local Whole Foods Market is like a meat market! Don’t just diversify when it comes to the way in which you meet guys, but diversify in terms of the types of guys you date. If you “can’t find a good guy” but you keep dating the same type of guy, just try to stray from your “type” and see if you might find chemistry with someone who might be a little different from your norm. You could be surprised.
4. You Attract Like People
The energy you put out, is the energy that you will bring in. If you are feeling frantic, rushed, laid back, like a player, desperate, confident, business-oriented, serious… those are the guys you will draw to you too.
5. Be Honest with Yourself
Why are you dating this guy? What about that guy? What is it that you are attracted to? Turned on by? Put off by? Is he and what he says interesting to you? Is he interested in you and what you have to say? Does he treat you well? Does he make you feel special? Do you have great conversation? Do you really love making out with him? Are you just with him because he’s hot? Are you just attracted to him because he’s rich? Does he feel like your friend, but you honestly aren’t attracted to him in the least bit… in fact you’re kind of repulsed when he touches you? If there are multiple people who you are seeing, think about where your head goes when you want comfort, when you’re feeling horny, when you want advice, when you want to bounce ideas off of someone. No one guy can provide EVERYTHING that you are looking for (that’s why we have friends), but it’s about finding the person who is the best fit for you. Don’t be too quick to cut him loose just because he’s not everything you are looking for. Is he most things? Or rather, is he most of the important things? Does he have the same core values that you have?
6. Be Honest with Him.
If you aren’t feeling it, don’t keep them hanging on. If you aren’t sure, maybe go on one more date to find out. But don’t delay the inevitable if you already know that you are going to cut the line.
7. You Know you Found the Right One, When You Stop Looking For Someone Else.
Now, go out, have fun, laugh, be inspired, be open, don’t search for love but be open to it, prepared for it, and emotionally available when it comes. And, more than anything: be safe.