Affection, sex, comfort,: these don’t sound like such terrible things to be addicted to, do they? Well, let’s look at the word “addiction.” It generally means you are dependent on something to the point of being dysfunctional without it. It means that all of the amazing feelings you receive from having that thing you are addicted to, go hand in hand with a constant fear—the fear of what life would be like without it. And once you begin to fear what life would be like without something, I mean really, really fear it, you’ll start to do crazy things to keep that addictive substance in your life. You’ll even compromise yourself, your values, everything you are.
Now, I’ll ask the question again: is it so bad to be addicted to affection, sex and comfort? Honestly, it’s pretty much bad to be addicted to anything.
If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and it ends, you can wake up and have no idea what to do with yourself that day. Everything—where and when you ate, what time you exercised, which friends you spent time with—was dictated by your relationship. For some people it goes so far that their partner’s identity was their identity. They absorbed it. He liked sports bars, so she liked sports bars. He liked The Colbert report, so she liked it. He wasn’t into exercising, so she gained ten pounds over the course of the relationship…For some women, being a good girlfriend means soaking up their boyfriend’s personality like a sponge, so when he is gone, they feel all wrung out and identity-less. And this is where a relationship addiction can set in. Because it’s much easier and quicker to find a new boyfriend whose life you can just acquiesce yourself to rather than building up a life of your own.
Do You Care About Compatibility… Or Just Tired of Being Alone?
If your main priority is to not be alone—that’s it, simply to be in a relationship—then things like compatibility, mutual respect, and fair treatment automatically take a back seat. Sure, you could by chance jump into a relationship with a totally loving, stable guy. But, it will be just that; by chance that it happens. Because generally, actively looking for a quality relationship with someone you are compatible with takes time—time you’ll spend alone as you weed through the inevitable dozens of guys that just don’t quite work. And that is time that most relationship addicts won’t take.
Are You A Relationship Addict?
Generally speaking though, if you are a relationship addict, you’re going to attract other relationship addicts. Or, you are going to find a guy who wants to be your “savior” in a sense. Because trust me, when you’re desperately seeking a relationship and you actually believe that one person is going to fix your life, people can see that. You’re most likely not going to attract the type of guy that likes strong, independent, self-sufficient and self-respecting women who hold themselves at high value, because if you are a relationship addict, you are most likely none of those things.
Why You Might Attract The Savior Types
If you held yourself at a high value, you would be perfectly fine being alone, at least while you searched for the best match for you. So, like I said, relationship addicts attract the “savior” types. This is a guy who has such low self-confidence that he needs to feel like he is your world. He needs to feel like he is the one and only reason you are happy. And if he was attracted to you in the first place because you seemed weak and desperate, he is going to want you to stay that way. And therein begins the cycle of mental and emotional abuse. He plays on your fear of being alone—a fear he is well aware that you have—in order to manipulate the relationship the way he wants to. And you, being afraid that he will leave you, allow him to do this.
Nip a Relationship Addiction in the Bud
I know this sounds harsh or even drastic. But I had to delve into the worst consequences of relationship addictions just in case yours is only budding. If you catch yourself getting into the habit of jumping into a relationship immediately in order to avoid the pain of being alone, just remember that pain is actually a good thing. If you can refrain from jumping into a relationship, that pain is what motivates you to rediscover yourself—how you like to spend your time, how you want to live your life. You need to learn that you can be completely happy on your own, because once you know that, you won’t feel so desperate to fill that hole in your life. It won’t even feel like that hole is there. And it’s only when you really don’t feel you need a relationship, that you will have clear enough vision to evaluate a new one.